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time flies

April 12, 2011

I know there are only four seasons in a year, but in the last seven months I could swear I’ve gone through even more than that. Quiet seasons and busy seasons. Seasons with different roommates and in different houses. Seasons where I stayed up reading and seasons where I stayed up crocheting. Breakfast-eating seasons and sleeping-in seasons. Fragile seasons and confident seasons and desperate seasons and content seasons…

Plus, it feels like time moves so fast these days, and I just noticed that both calendars hanging in my room are now off by a few months (nice try, though!). Stripped of the cues I relied on in my previous life–midterms, holidays, changing leaves, melting snow–I find myself marking time in new ways. I’m calculating weeks and months as I hold another empty shampoo bottle in the shower, or count how many contact lenses I have left in my drawer, or run my fingers over the new holes in my jeans.

The terrifying thing about all this is that I see the next three months zooming by in super-speed. As I walked up to my students’ house today where I was joining them for lunch, I found them wrestling with a big homemade kite in the alley. (Kite season: definitely one of the most charming seasons so far.) I lingered outside while they tried to launch their kite into the gusty wind, laughing and holding back my hair and chatting with their mother. And I was hit with a bittersweet realization: the more settled I feel here, the closer I know I am to my departure.

My way of dealing with this is trying to plan out how my final seasons here will look–but the more I try to plan, the more stressed I start to feel, and I am now trying to accept that no matter what goals I do or do not accomplish before I leave, no matter whom I manage to satisfy or what promises I am able to fulfill, the next few months will be meaningful. Period. This whole long season in general will leave its indelible mark on me. That’s enough.

(Or so I try to remind myself. Over and over. Still, there are people I’m longing to spend time with who are getting squeezed out these days, which is distressing me. So that’s my prayer right now: that I will always be with the people I need to be with. Magically.)

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Makala permalink
    April 12, 2011 9:10 am

    I just wanted to say how much I love reading your blog. And this post in particular hit a cord with me (i’ve totally been counting time by contact lenses too, haha). Doubtless, the time will go by too fast, but I think perhaps that’s part of what makes it so special. Have an amazing last three months, Steph, and, as always, I miss you! ❤

    • April 12, 2011 10:57 pm

      That is why I love you Mancala! We are so on the same page on our parallel adventures. Can’t wait to catch up with you someday in the States about it. Miss you tons!! xx

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